I'm letting go of all of the negative things in my life. If it makes me feel bad, it's out. If it makes me feel slimy, it's out. If it affects my life in a negative way, it's out. I pledge to shine forth positive energy, a great attitude, to share a smile with everybody I come into contact with and to find the good in everything. I am eagerly surrounding myself with positive and happy people.

I have some great role models to look up to. There are some steller, stand up individuals who have become my heros lately. The things they have to share are so positive and so helpful. I am truly trying to pattern my life after these individuals.

I am letting go of the things I have been holding on to that are not good for me. I am letting go of relationships that make me cry, people that are selfish and the ones that do not have my best interests at heart. I am too old and too wiseto waste my time on games and foolish intentions. The game is over. I'm not playing. My door is not open for that any more.

I am praying specifically for a clear mind, a clear focus, that any distractions would be detoured and every door that is not right for life would be closed and the right ones open. I want confirmation on a specific issue I am praying about pointing me in the right direction.

This is not a clever blog, just a compilation of thoughts concerning my heart. It is said that by writing goals down one is 80% more likely to follow through with it.

Stuck in the Middle

Why is it that when we are in the middle of it that we can't see any of it but the middle? When we are outside of it and our emotions don't feel attacked and vulnerability is no longer an issue, that is when we can truly see what went wrong, what we should have or shouldn't have done and wonder why it is we were so stuck to the middle that we couldn't see what was right there if we would have only taken a step back? Those feelings are a magnetic force, slamming us into doing desperate, brainless, foolish things that ordinarily we would scoff at as irresponsible, senseless and immature. How is it that we can crave one person's admiration and acceptance to the point of forfeiting our pride, waning our confidence and feel wayward, or even alone in a world full of people without the tenderness of that special person whom we regard as an essential headliner on the front page of our lives news? It's as if we become a different person, ignorant of what we know to be intelligent, doing the things that we promise ourselves we will never do. When do we stop this cycle? When is it not okay? When do we let go and be okay with any outcome because "what will be, will be?" Yesterday is the most intelligent answer, yet our hearts hold on to whatever shred of hope we can grasp because the sheer desire is overwhelming. When does the attraction become insufficient and the day to day actions lumination take over the place of attraction... When did fun become work...and why?

Sometimes...

Sometimes I get impatient because I want what I want when I want it and God has to slow me down and tell me that what he has for me is worth waiting for.

Sometimes I get the urge to do something and I make myself sleep on it and usually I'm glad that I waited because I would have regretted it the next day.

Sometimes I feel this big *squeezing fingers tightly together* and sometimes I feel as big as this *holding arms straight out to my sides*.

Sometimes I really want to call or email a person or persons and I have to refrain because I know it is not in my best interest.

Sometimes I have to delete comments because I feel they will be misconstrued.

Sometimes I want to scream and cry but instead I take a deep breath and try to smile.

Just because I do not tell you I love you all of the time does not mean that I have stopped.

Just because I do not call you or write you all of the time does not mean that I do not think about you and your well being.

When I am overwhelmed with a situation I take it to God and then I feel so much better about it.

When I am angry at or upset with somebody I intercede for them and I make myself pray wonderful things for them and then the most magical thing happens. I find myself really meaning what I am praying and all animosity and anger leaves and I feel peace in its place.

Sometimes growing is awesome and sometimes it is painful.

Sometimes I am very afraid of getting close to people, but then I realize for every bad experience I have had one thousand good ones.

Sometimes I sit, just sit, and think about my life. Sometimes this makes me happy and sometimes this makes me sad.

I always want to be happy. I do not want to hurt people. I do not want to discourage people. I want to be a light for those around me - a good friend and kind, loving, unselfish person.

My Ink

The Lord is my number one, and I owe everything I have ever accomplished in this life and everything I am, to Him. I've lost my way again and again and He has always been faithful.

I really do believe that all of the best things in life are free, they're in feelings, your beliefs, in the things you do for other people, in the little moments you share with people that you think you might never remember, only to find yourself thinking of them years down the road and smiling, ..and in yourself. I try to live my life in the mindset that I know that tomorrow is promised to no one. I realize that all we have is right here and right now. There aren't enough hours in the day or months in the year to put things off until tomorrow, because before you know it, tomorrow has become today.

I think there's a lot to know about me, as there is with anyone I'm sure. You won't learn everything in a few days or weeks, but you'll know as much about me as you want to. I really have a heart for people, helping them, getting to know them, trying to make a difference in its smallest measurement. I don't have my life all figured out yet, and I think i just might like it that way... whatever it's going to be, it will be great because I am optimistic and I believe in the greater good.

If you can't tell, it seems like my thoughts are never transient and fleeting; they tend to stick around and spiral deeper into where ever life takes me.

I think that obsession, infatuation and love are so intertwined, at times it's difficult to decipher which is which. They're so closely related, I often wonder where some hearts fall. Maybe love is experienced in the heart, and obsession and infatuation in the mind... I want to hold out for love. When I feel myself falling and I don't know whether to embrace it or to reach out frantically for anything that will stop my fall. I think infatuation is mistaken for love many times. I know where my heart is though. . . it's lost in memories of better days (old memories and ones that I haven't made yet)... that's where I am. These memories are like the reflection in a mirror. An illusion plain as day you can see, but never touch or feel its reality of life, intangible. My best memories are to come. Today I feel weak. The jaded shell in which my emotions are concealed most days was shattered last night leaving me naked and exposed. Tomorrow the pieces will have been renewed by tonight's dreams and the realization they are just that. Hope is not the enemy. Hope is infinite, a miracle that gets you from one day to the next. The mind can only take in and hold on to so much, the things we remember are the things that meant something to us. I think that's why people want to be remembered and not forgotten... to know that they meant something to someone, meant enough for them to hold onto them out of all the things that could have been stored in that place in their minds, they chose them.

...Remember me...

Let it Go, by T.D. Jakes

I didn't write this but I find many people use it for inspiration. The words are so simplistic, yet profound. It's a great read!

Let It Go... By T. D. Jakes

There are people who can walk away from you. And hear me when I tell you this! When people can walk away from you: let them walk. I don't want you to try to talk another person into staying with you, loving you, calling you, caring about you, coming to see you, staying attached to you. I mean hang up the phone. When people can walk away from you let them walk. Your destiny is never tied to anybody that left. The Bible said that, they came out from us that it might be made manifest that they were not for us. For had they been of us, no doubt they would have continued with us. [1 John 2:19] People leave you because they are not joined to you. And if they are not joined to you, you can't make them stay. Let them go. And it doesn't mean that they are a bad person it just means that their part in the story is over. And you've got to know when people's part in your story is over so that you don't keep trying to raise the dead. You've got to know when it's over. Let me tell you something. I've got the gift of good-bye. It's the tenth spiritual gift, I believe in good-bye. It's not that I'm hateful, it's that He's faithful, and I know whatever God means for me to have He'll give it to me. And if it takes too much sweat, I don't need it. Stop begging people to stay. Let them go!! If you are holding on to something that doesn't belong to you and was never intended for your life, then you need to...LET IT GO!!! If you are holding on to past hurts and pains...LET IT GO!! If someone can't treat you right, love you back, and see your worth...LET IT GO!! If someone has angered you ...LET IT GO!! If you are holding on to some thoughts of evil and revenge...LET IT GO!! If you are involved in a wrong relationship or addiction...LET IT GO!! If you are holding on to a job that no longer meets your needs or talents ... LET IT GO!! If you have a bad attitude...LET IT GO!! If you keep judging others to make yourself feel better...LET IT GO!! If you're stuck in the past and God is trying to take you to a new level in Him......LET IT GO!! If you are struggling with the healing of a broken relationship...LET IT GO!! If you keep trying to help someone who won't help themselves...LET IT GO!! If you're feeling depressed and stressed ...LET IT GO!!! If there is a particular situation that you are so used to handling yourself and God is saying "take your hands off of it," ...LET IT GO!!! Let the past be the past. Forget the former things. GOD is doing a new thing in you! LET IT GO!!!

Life, Love and Other Mysteries

When it comes to love, I want the best. I want a real man with strong values and very desirable qualities. It was important for me to put my "requirements" down in words (so I made a list a long time ago and put it away where I could refer to it) stating what I wanted in a man. It is easy to get lonely or bored and let our emotions take over from time to time. I do not have to settle. I can and I will wait for him...the one that complements me, makes my spine tingle and whose soul speaks to mine.

So many times people think that that their life is going to be complete, and that they will finally achieve happiness when they meet and fall in love with somebody. This is a common, yet very dangerous misconception. Baggage can be completely detrimental to a relationship if either individual can not cope with the past issues. I am adamant to be with a whole person and to be whole myself. I thoroughly believe that two whole people make the strongest relationship, not two dependent people.

As for waiting...it may be tomorrow, it may be six months from now...it may be five years from now, yet I fervently believe that a good thing is worth waiting for. There are some individuals who want to be with somebody so badly that they will be with anybody. I am not satisfied with second best. Through experience, research, and lengthy discussions with intelligent people I understand value of this issue. Hearts are not to be toyed with, an emotional connection is not a game to play, but instead it should not be entered into lightly. When a relationship is right it is RIGHT. When it is wrong, it is WRONG. Many times we contort and twist our perceptions make the situation out to be what we perceive as right, but it is still wrong. Wrong relationships crumble. Not always immediately… We shouldn't have to talk ourselves into love or make excuses for the one that we are with. If it is there, there is no denying it. It is out of this world! The one that we love should make us feel spectacular. S/he should be attentive and interested from the beginning and it should never stop growing. Relationships change and mature, they grow and develop. I’m definitely waiting…

Communication is the very most essential core of our relationships. Friendships, professional, boy/girl, family, spiritual...it's all built on our ability to effectively communicate with one another. Relationships thrive on and are broken by communication or lack of it. I am fascinated with relationships between individuals. Communication is that core. Problems begin when there is a breakdown in this communication. Other problems escalate due to our lack of knowledge on how to effectively communicate our needs, desires and feelings.

Coupled with communication, education is crucial for a successful relationship. Had I known what I know now ten years ago, I would have made many different choices. (I realize that I am who I am today due to my decisions and I accept them and have learned from them). I am not just talking about book smarts. The way we interact with others and our communication reflects immensely on who we are. I notice a selfish cycle in human behavior. Many people do not know how to treat others with respect, kindness and compassion. I do not share the same views with everybody, but it is my goal to make people feel good when they are around me.