Musings on Looking for Love

Hello, my name is Shannon and I’m chronically single. Being a part of the softer sex, we women are often times expected to be half of a twosome, part of a couple, part of this “thing” that people grow up and do in their adult lives…you know, the house, white picket fence, two point five kids and dog. It’s the American dream…yet I am alone. I can’t tell you the countless amounts of hurtful questions I have been bombarded with that I can’t possibly answer, though I try to answer with grace, that I’ve been asked such as “why are you single?” and “why hasn’t any smart man snatched you up yet?” or how about “how is it that you, being so beautiful and talented and you have your act together are single?” All of these were (probably) well intended questions, but they made me begin to resent my circumstances and the God whom I started to blame them on. I began to feel completely unlovable which began a dangerous downward slide in my life.

I’ve felt every emotion known to the human race in the quest for love. I have overcompensated with a tough exterior; I have been heavy-hearted and laden with grief, showered upon with sheer “wanting” to be loved. I have been a spokesperson for the single lady and I’ve flooded many a pillow, many a night, with tears. I am woman. I was made to love and be loved. I was created with a sheer desire to have this in my life.

I don’t have all of the answers, but I don’t believe that I serve a God who punishes men and woman with singleness. For a long time I did think this…I thought if I just become good enough then God will give me my man. The longer I felt this way I became more and more unhappy with my circumstance of singleness. I used to pine for a relationship with a man every second of every day. It was all I could think about in my free time. I thought about the reasons I didn’t have a significant other. I thought about how I could get a husband. I thought about the fun things we would do together when I had him. I thought about how great my life would be if only someone loved me. I cried constantly when I was alone. I was wretchedly sad and I felt like I had a huge hole inside of me which I was trying to fill with anything and everything that would take away the loneliness. I was literally consumed with the lack of love in my life.

One night I felt impressed by God that I couldn’t fill the hold inside of me, which I had likened to the size of the Grand Canyon, with a salt shaker. It just wasn’t going to work. I could shake and shake every second of every day and I still wouldn’t be able to ever fill it up, no matter how much I deposited into that hole. That thought moved me. It shook me to the core.

I wish I could say that was an epiphany that turned my life around and that I was changed from that day forward, but honestly, I continued in my self pity, searching and begging God for love. I latched on to any attention given to me by someone that I felt I could share a life with. Don’t get me wrong, I turned away many offers for dates throughout this time because, after all, I am selective, but still I continued in my state of anxiety, scouring the internet for like-minded believers who were single and talented and attractive.

It was much later from that day that I found myself living a life that wasn’t consumed with the desire for love. I have the secret and it’s so simple I can’t believe it myself. Are you ready to hear this? It might make some of you angry, you may roll your eyes and scoff…but it worked for me. My secret was I started living for me right now and not for him in the future. Simple, isn’t it? Too simple, actually.

The way I found peace was to love myself and to love others. I became involved in the ministry of music and in the ministry of the youth group in my church and it changed me. I found myself, instead of pouring over websites on how to find love, pouring over websites about teen ministry. Everything I picked up and read, or heard or came across in one way or another, I tried to find a way to make it teachable and relatable for these kids. I also found myself at the piano many nights, well into the night, learning new songs for our worship service. It changed me.

So today I am not afraid to be alone. I read this recently on a blog from the Good Women Project and have paraphrased it “I haven’t met him yet, but I already have my partner. I’m not saying I don't want to get married. That is one of my greatest desires, but it doesn’t control me. It’s not in my hands, it’s in His.”

I truly believe this. I know now that I am fully and completely loved…with, or without a man to hold my hand.